My Six Seconds of Agony

It all started with a text message about waffles.

“Hey man, my mom and dad want to know if your family will come over and eat waffles with us on Saturday night.”

I, being a man and being in charge of these kinds of decisions, did the thing I always do in such situations: I asked my wife if we could go. She said yes, and we planned it out, waffles Saturday night with friends.

Knowing the Duke game was on Saturday, and knowing it was Maryland, who I hate almost as much as UNC because their fans are the absolute worst, I also knew I’d be playing the part of the rude guest in asking to enjoy the second half of the game with my waffles.

As it turns out, it wasn’t a big deal, and I cozied up on their couch with what are easily the best waffles in at least 36 states, and I watched Duke blow a pretty substantial lead, which isn’t something that surprised me.

As a quick aside, I’d like to talk about this possession arrow thing. I honestly feel bad for Maryland on that one, but listen, it’s not the first time officials have screwed up in a game and it won’t be the last. So let’s pump the brakes with all this “Duke gets all the calls” horsecrap and put the past behind us. Love you guys.

“Exhibit A”

Back to the game and the waffles. I don’t know about you folks, but watching a Duke game in another person’s house doesn’t exactly tone down my enthusiasm and cheering for, what I think anyway, is the best team in the history of time. I will continue to yell, scream, and passionately curse at the television whether I’m home alone or in the presence of the Pope.

I quickly noticed a problem, and I’m not just talking about our sudden inability to make three-point shots.


Anyway, I noticed that every once in a while, the satellite service would cut out for about five or six seconds then kick back on. It happened a few times and no one said anything, so I chalked it up to a common occurrence and decided to keep quiet about in accordance to my duty as a guest.

Then of course, if you watched the game, you know what happened. Maryland tied it up, then took the lead, then Duke got the lead back, and it basically got real tense for the last four or five minutes of the half.

Here’s where I have to tell you that the person who had invited us over is a mortician. It’s not a weird thing at all, he’s the nicest and most hospitable guy in the whole world, and the whole family is amazing. But you have to read that to understand my hilarious joke.

After the satellite went wonky for the tenth time or so, I finally said, “Hey, if this comes down to a close game with no time on the clock and this thing goes out like this and I die of a heart attack, you have to handle my body cause I’m in your house.”

Everyone laughed politely even if it’s not the sort of thing you’re supposed to say at nice waffle parties.

The television was fine until the last play. You guys know the one because you watched the game. The one where the shot hung on the rim for a solid two minutes before rolling off the rim. The shot that made ‘ol Turgeon hop around like a rabbit. The shot that decided what could possibly be the final chapter in Duke/Maryland history.

unnamed (1)

Here’s what I saw.

I legit died guys. I fell in the floor, rolled around, and I died. I saw Jesus and heaven and a continuous loop of The Shot and Austin Rivers hitting that one on Zeller and I’m almost positive God was wearing a Duke shirt. I died.

I came back just in time to see the TV come back on and Jefferson get fouled. I noticed the score hadn’t changed and that brought me all the way back and I let out a yell that I’m almost positive gave their poor English bulldog a heart attack, then I proceeded to dance around their living room in a way that was entirely indecent.

And this is why you should always perform an equipment check before you watch a Duke game at a friend’s house.

Share this post

submit to reddit
scroll to top