Saturday is the day. After much fan talking, yelling and reasons why you should hate Duke by some butt-head writer up in New York, it’ll all come down to Saturday. Game day. Duke vs. Syracuse. One of the most hyped games Duke will play this year, although it should be noted — particularly by Cuse fans — it won’t be the most hyped, and it certainly isn’t a rivalry.
Naturally, since I live in Oklahoma, I’ve had every Duke hater and their grandmother asking me if I’m worried about the game.
“Hey Travis, you worried about Syracuse? I hate Duke, so I hope you’re worried about Syracuse. I hope Duke gets beat. I hate Duke. I like North Carolina because Michael Jordan played there, so I hope Syracuse beats Duke.”
“Are you worried?”
My reply, as usual, is a resounding “No,” and then a look of intense hatred for the kind of logic they presented in their argument. Only slightly better than this are the remarks I’m getting from Kansas fans.
“This is a must win for you guys, right?”
Good Lord guys. Yes, it’s a must win. Every game is a must win. I’m sure right now if someone asked Krzyzweski if this game was a “must win,” he’d more than likely tear their head from their shoulders, shove an orange down their throat hole, and then look at any potential witnesses while holding a bag full of oranges and saying “Did you see anything?”
So yes, it’s a must win. Yes, I know you hate Duke and you hope anyone beats them. But guess what? I’m not worried, and here are five reasons why.
5. We have better jokes — In case you missed it in the title, I combined, rather brilliantly I might add, a common knock-knock joke and a pun into a fetching title. To tie that in, how many times have you heard:
At this point in the joke, you probably want to shiv the person talking to you, and I’m almost certain 99% of the judicial system would find you innocent if you did. But now picture this:
“THE BLUE DEVILS MOTHER LOVER.”
You see how much better that joke is already? So that makes it Duke 1, Cuse 0.
4. We have a spy in their camp — In April of 2012, Duke fans received some disheartening, but not altogether surprising news. Michael Gbinije, “Silent G” would be transferring to Syracuse. While most people thought it was about playing time, what they don’t know is that Coach K actually asked Gbinije to head into the enemy camp and feed Boeheim a steady stream of misinformation because he knew the time of conference realignment was nigh. Ever since his first day on campus, The Silent G has been anything but, telling The Orange that if they shout “Fisticuffs!” at Parker when he shoots, he’ll miss everything. Of course we all know as Duke fans that when anyone shouts “Fisticuffs!” at Parker it activates his super-secret power of not ever missing a shot. Duke 2, Cuse 0.
3. Zones — Syracuse has a pretty fantastic 2-3 zone, mastered by Boeheim and forced into their players like the Tang they have to drink before game time thanks to a badly constructed endorsement deal from the 1990s. Here’s the thing though. We have a couple of our players in a zone as well. Their names are Dawkins and Hood, and as I recall, Hood seems to play even better when he lets Dawkins start for him while he pretends to be sick like that kid in grade school who always pretended to drown in the swimming pool and when you went and checked on him he spit water in your face and yelled “HA!” So yeah, our zones will be better than the zone. Duke 3, Cuse 0.
2. We hands down win the mascot war — A blue devil. An orange. Can anyone tell me what they’d be more afraid of? I think the only time anyone would fear a sack full of oranges is when they’re being used by Coach K in the manner briefly touched upon above. However, if someone pulls up with just one blue devil, you’d be terrified. You’d make a mess in your pants. As a matter of fact, if the Duke Blue Devil doesn’t drink a big, pulpy glass of OJ in front of the sold out Carrier Dome on Saturday, then I think a huge opportunity will be missed. In the battle of Oranges vs. Devils, Devils win every time. Duke 4, Cuse 0.
1. Conspiracy theory favors Duke — You guys stay with me on this one because it literally blew my mind. Let’s take a number. Let’s just take the number that represents Michael Krzyzewski, which is obviously the number 1. Now, let’s double that number. Go on, in your head, double it. Now, add 8 to that number. I’ll wait, I know some of you folks reading this are Cuse fans and will need a minute. Now, divide THAT number by 2. After that, subtract the original number, which was 1. What was your answer?
It was 4 wasn’t it?
Now let’s do some fact checking.
What’s the fourth letter of the alphabet?
How many national championships does Duke have?
How many letters are in the word “Duke?”
What is Duke’s win/loss record with Syracuse?
2 and 2. WHAT DOES 2 + 2 EQUAL?
So no, I’m not worried about Syracuse. And after what I just showed you, the only people who should be worried are those that will be wearing orange on Saturday.