The Seven “Secrets” of Amile Jefferson

If you’re a Duke fan, by now you’ve probably seen the recent stats for Amile Jefferson. You know that in the last two games — the last two very difficult games — the young man has been on a tear, averaging 14 points and 8.5 rebounds. I do understand that two games do not a season make, but he is showing a vast improvement in nearly every statistic except free throw percentage from last year to this year.

What has prompted this sudden success on the hardwood? Some would say equally hard work, and still others would say it’s because Coach K changes lineups like a deranged little league hockey coach with an “everyone has to play at least five minutes” rule.

But I’m here to set the record straight. You see, I, Travis Sloat, or @tstyles77 if you will, have done an amazing job of investigative journalism and have put together a few things you might not know about Amile…things that might just give him the advantage he needs to get a leg up on the competition, but at least one that hurts him. How many in this list, you might ask? There are seven, and they are all groundbreaking.

7. He exists in three dimensions, just like you and me — I decided to start with the biggest difference from last year to this year: the ability of Jefferson to exist in three dimensions. Pictured is a rare photo from last year as Amile took a trip to see David Letterman. You can plainly see his extraordinary jumping ability, heck he’s level with the sign, but you can also see he was only two-dimensional, which was a problem. Now weighing in at a solid 216, we’re better off for it.

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6. He consumes 83,000 calories a day — There’s a rumor, and I don’t know if this is true or not, that Jefferson has his own personal Subway Sandwich Artist that follows him everywhere he goes and makes only meatball subs for him on demand. If that’s true, it’s an NCAA first, and certainly would come in handy if meatball subs from Subway weren’t the worst known food on the planet. Here’s a typical daily meal plan for Jefferson:

  • 25 waffles with a tub of crunchy peanut butter, two gallons of maple syrup and four pounds of bacon.
  • Two meatball subs at 10 a.m.
  • A large roasted pig and several small duck livers for lunch, followed by two more meatball subs and a five-gallon bucket of Sunny Delight.
  • Five meatball subs before practice.
  • Dinner consists of an entire cow, which Jefferson picks his favorite cuts from, leaving the rest for Marshall Plumlee.
  • Bedtime snack of four more meatball subs.

The Tweet below lends even more credence to the facts of my investigation.

amiletweet

5. He has a resting heart rate of the amount of wins Coach K has — In case you’re wondering how Jefferson can eat all those calories and still keep that svelte figure, it’s because his heart rate is in sync with the amount of wins Krzyzewski has. That means, by his junior year, he will have a resting heart rate of over a thousand beats per minute, which will mean quite a few more of those meatball subs before bedtime.

4. He works part-time as an incredible flailing arm flailing tube man on the weekends — This one needs no explanation, as I believe Mason Plumlee exposed the truth last year sometime in a tweet. He puts on the suit, stands in car lots, and he makes darn good money doing it.

3. He has the ability to pick up a foul in every day situations — This is the sole (besides the free throw percentage) caveat to Jefferson’s amazing climb from mediocrity. The boy picks up fouls like you wouldn’t believe. Let me tell y’all a story. Jefferson once decided to get baptized in a very quiet little service in a small town. During the service, as he was being dunked under the water, the pastor tripped a little, and fell into the water with him. The church members in attendance all chuckled politely and Jefferson came up holding the pastor, both grinning sheepishly, when out of no where Karl Hess burst into the baptistery, blew his whistle, and called a blocking foul on Jefferson. That story is 100% fact, ask anyone.

Amile shown here, picking up his fourth foul against _______

2. He has the ability to disappear when he exhales — I read a tweet the other night that said Jefferson needed a role in the next Avengers movie. I’m not sure if that was because he was a good actor or what, but I think he should get in just for his superpower of being able to disappear when he exhales. Some people may think that a big, bulky Jefferson would be better, so he could bang around down low. But let me ask you this: How do you think he always gets in such great position for rebounding? Slow down the tape, you’ll see he actually disappears for brief moments, temporarily disorienting defenders and placing him in prime double-double position. Obviously he can’t do this very often, or he’d be subject to humiliation at the hands of the scientific community, who are too nosey for their own good.

Amile during a particularly awkward Duke photo shoot.

1. He has the ability to lift and carry more than 2,500 pounds on his back — “Wow Travis, that’s a very impressive squat amount.” For those saying that, you misunderstand me. I mean, he can place that amount on his back and run. How can I be so sure? Well, 2,500 pounds just happens to be the combined weight of the rest of the Blue Devil roster, and if it weren’t for Jefferson, we wouldn’t have even been close in those last two games, and several other games this year. Well done Amile Jefferson. Well done.

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