Duke basketball is 84 years away. I know it’s really like 84 days but my mind can’t calculate anything further out than a week and so it’s really 84 years and that also explains why I can’t keep a savings account.
The 2014-15 basketball class is going to be legit. We’ll finally have an actual post presence without the last name Plumlee, but yeah, we’ve got one of those too, and I’m okay with it. I think Okafor should change his last name to Plumlee just to shake things up. Add this to Winslow and Jones, and we’re basically the new Dream Team.
One of the recruits is a gentleman who goes by Grayson Allen. Grayson is extremely active on social media, and has a proclivity for doing everything he can to disprove the adage “white men can’t jump.” I’ve seen him jump over people, namely his new teammate Okafor, and countless others who’ve no doubt been drug out against their will onto the floor during a dunk contest with Allen telling them, “I’ll keep it tucked back, nothing will get weird.”
To save future people from being teabagged by Allen and to piggyback on the ubiquitous nature of Internet challenges running rampant right now, I’d like to extend the following challenges to Grayson Allen in a list of things he should jump over. It will also help us all out by getting us through this interminably long stretch of time before we see him dunking on those jackasses over at Chapel Hill.
1. An ice bucket — Let’s just get this one out of the way right now. Ice buckets are hot fire right now; everyone is doing them, might as well jump over them. And to make it interesting, let’s make it one of those big 55-gallon trashcans full of ice water. Everyone in the world knows this will be easy, and afterwards they can even dump the water on his head and make a viral Facebook video out of it.
2. Coach K in full “Unsullied” regalia — This is the prototypical and requisite Game of Thrones reference required in any Internet list now. But think of the genius of it. Coach K is on the shorter side, but if you throw him in a spiked cap with a spear, and all the sudden there’s a whole new aspect to the challenge. Motivation to avoid getting your maidenhead taken by a spear, as it were. In fact, I’ve taken the liberty of Photoshopping this one up for you, and I think you’ll agree, it needs to happen ASAP. We’re looking at you coach.
3. The James B. Duke statue — Wheel a mobile goal out there behind it, give Allen a good running start, and I can just about bet you he’ll clear it easily and at the same time create a new thing called “monument jamming,” which I’m going to trademark right now. I’ve also worked up a little preview of this one as well, you’re welcome.
4. Okafor again, but while he’s standing on Plumlee’s shoulders — I’m running out of ideas real quick here guys. Keep it tucked back though Grayson, don’t make it weird.
5. A goalpost in Wallace Wade — The obvious answer here would have been to say the chapel, but we all know that’s entirely impossible unlike everything else in this so far. So I think in honor of Duke’s new prowess on the gridiron, we should cross things up and send him out to Wallace Wade to dunk on a goalpost. Maybe put him in pads and a helmet and make him get through the defensive line first. I don’t want to hold his hand the whole way through this thing, I’m just the suggestion guy.